Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

what are they serving at kfc then???

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.