Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

The government even made aliens boring

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

wishing you and yours all the best

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”