Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

Running from your problems is cardio .

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

Let’s Go

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.