Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

every. time.

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

Who called it baking and not making love

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.