Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.