Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

good news everyone

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.

It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

Meanwhile in Heaven…

Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults