dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
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[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.