dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
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There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]