dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
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Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Guy who likes music
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.