Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:

Dad: Who are you routing for?

Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you

Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date