Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

making my dog give me my pills

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.