Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?

Oh…

*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*

Better?

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

I have a type: disappointing

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner