Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

the worm is coming from inside the brain

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

Am I having a stroke?

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*