Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

first you must answer his riddles

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?