[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
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pls suprot
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Gross if literal…Liverpool
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*