Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.