[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
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Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.