dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
You Might Also Like
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
#Caturday
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I’m giving up ice.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
When your parents check you’re ok.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
listen closely
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
