Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

The Most Popular Apps:

*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches

*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time

*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app

*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars

*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second