Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.