dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
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“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.