Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
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Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Children of the corn 🌽
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”