Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks

me: [to waiter] horse please

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

It’s so cold that men who wear shorts outside in the winter are wearing TWO pairs of shorts

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*