Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
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if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
*mops up wine with cat*
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
was Jim off killing horses or…
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Guilty! 🤪
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Sing it!
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.