Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
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Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.