Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
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Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
When you’ve simply given up.
No one:
London landlords:
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.