Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

Oh my God.

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.