Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
You Might Also Like
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
dutch is not a serious language
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”