Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
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*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
making sure he doesnt get away
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.