Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

#IWishIHadNever noticed

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires