Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

Nice try, NASA

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man