Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

ㅤ

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

No Google it does not

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.