*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?