*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
You Might Also Like
How does one answer this?
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
that de-escalated quickly
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.