Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.