Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
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just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
adding to the discourse
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen