Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
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That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”