Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.