Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
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me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed