Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

Digital security in Ancient Troy

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

The photographer’s assistant

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.