Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

Now, where’s the sport in that?

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.