Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
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Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Jogging
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Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower![]()
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Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
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H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
smh
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