Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

scenes of unspeakable carnage

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎