Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies