Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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c’mon!
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.