Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Breaking news:
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Received some very disappointing news today
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”