Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

🖤✌🏽

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.