Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.

“What did you do?”

We finally found a happy medium

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*