Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

With this onion ring, I thee fed

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?