Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

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Just another day grabbing random children by the shoulders and screaming “I’M YOU FROM THE “FUTURE!” in their faces..


My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.


[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?


Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”


may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning


Is there a morning after pill to erase all the texts from the night before?


*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away


The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.


[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders


I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.