@AbbyHasIssues

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

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@brakco

Just another day grabbing random children by the shoulders and screaming “I’M YOU FROM THE “FUTURE!” in their faces..

@3sunzzz

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

@panmidwest

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

@TheAlexP

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

@IamEnidColeslaw

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

@maybenotstef

Is there a morning after pill to erase all the texts from the night before?

@E_lok44

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

@Mr_goose007

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

@misfarber

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

@Stap_Jr

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.