Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.