Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
