Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.