Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth