Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
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Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Me irl
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”