Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale

Pretty good – Not good

Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks

It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going

Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life

Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

Sign of the day..

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.