Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
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Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Who called it baking and not making love
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know