Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
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Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
I am thick and tired. 🙄
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*