Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
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[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Hotels are back
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Rambo Rambow
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*