Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

Me: *trying to sleep*

Gf: Babe?

Me: Hmm?

Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.