Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
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I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
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C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?