Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
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Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
me after i passed that state trooper
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
