Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
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Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.