Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
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6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
U talkin 2 me?
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.