Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

ME (calling my horse with no name):

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

Finally a use for spoilers…

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?