Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

こいつ天才

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.