Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

Tuesday

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.