director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
You Might Also Like
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Don’t frighten the programmers!
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
🐕🍷
So we got a goldfish…
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..