director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
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I’m so full I could puke a horse
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream