Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.