director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
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I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?