director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
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angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS