I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
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When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it.
Can’t. Trying to figure out whether its humour, cry for help or a mating call
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
me: this haunted house is so scary
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-