director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

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I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.


Can’t. Trying to figure out whether its humour, cry for help or a mating call


John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough


Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.


Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*


me: this haunted house is so scary


me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad


*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”


*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days


The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-