director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
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[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
