Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

mathematically impossible

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.