director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
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this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then please
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
