Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

okay run it by me one more time

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.