Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”