Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.