Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
You Might Also Like
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
hi why am I like this
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.