Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
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First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Forever 21… pounds overweight
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular